This post is going to be a little stream-of-consciousness, vulnerable, and long. I’m probably screaming out into the void with most of these posts, and that’s okay. I’ll make a shorter slide-show version of it for TikTok at some point. 😅
I recently questioned myself, “Why is my writing centered around identity and belonging?” When I go through the growing library of my own writing, I can’t help but notice that most of my main characters have the same traits and similar issues.
They usually have a strained relationship with their moms (or parents). They feel disconnected from any kind of culture they are associated with. They are sarcastic, but feel deeply about so many things. They all have something bigger they are connected to, feel a strong sense of morality and justice, and are usually some sort of chosen one or have a big obligation to carry out… saving a person, a group of people, the universe, and even reality itself.
My characters always feel the constant pressure of doing the “right thing.” In the end, many go against what they thought was the right thing and end up following their heart… what makes them happy. I can relate.
This self-publishing journey has been a doozy! I’m not sure which adventure was more arduous… querying or self-publishing. Marketing my book before and after its release has been equally soul-draining.
Trying to “sell” myself has me constantly questioning my identity and where I belong as a writer. Not that I need to “belong,” but I can’t help these thoughts from popping up. The more I market myself, the more I realize I’ve spent most of my life orbiting identities instead of fully landing inside them.
I am half Taiwanese, and the rest of me is Irish and Hungarian. I had a complicated relationship with my mom, and the end result is that I have almost no connection to my Chinese heritage. I don’t speak Chinese, and since my mom passed away in 2013, I hardly keep in touch with anyone from my mom’s side of the family, something I’ve felt deeply sad about for most of my life.
I was born in Seoul, South Korea, and also lived in Tokyo, Japan, for most of my life, and at times felt more Korean and Japanese than Chinese. It’s weird wanting so desperately to feel proud of being Asian, but having no real connection. There was a period of time when I had a Korean nanny who was basically part of my family, but she passed away when I was in middle school. I didn’t realize how hard it hit me until I was an adult.
I have no connection to my Irish or Hungarian side either. Nothing more to say about that. It’s very strange having no strong bond with my ancestry. Growing up, all of my friends spoke Korean, Japanese, or Mandarin… whatever their non-white parents were.
In my series, The Black Stone Cycle, my main character, Ash, is half Chinese and feels the same way I do. In the first chapter, she’s annoyed that her “white” dad can speak Mandarin better than she can. Her culture pops up throughout the book, and she acknowledges it, but it doesn’t define her. She just happens to be half Chinese… just like me. Nothing is forced or superficial.
The aspects of my life that I do feel a deep connection with are growing up as a military brat overseas, being a latchkey kid, having a single parent, and being a woman.
I can connect with being a woman, but even that has always felt slightly disconnected, like I’m standing beside an identity instead of fully inside it. I wouldn’t say that I’m non-binary or masculine. I’ve just never felt like a “lady.” I kept thinking, “Once I’m older, I’ll feel like a lady,” or “After I give birth, I’ll finally feel like a woman!”
None of those came true. I’ve never even wanted to be “sexy” or feminine. I’ve always wanted people to be attracted to who I was, not what I was. I’m just me. Linda, a girl who likes to read in the closet while eating pickles.
I’m so happy that I’ve finally chosen to live my real dream of being a writer. I’ve always loved reading and writing, and they’ve been the two things in my life that I’ve truly been proud of (and, of course, voice acting, my other passion).
That’s why I’m so sad that I feel like such an imposter when I’m trying to market myself. I’m half Chinese, but I’m not. I’m a woman, but that’s not my focus. I don’t have a Master’s degree in writing. I’ll never be invited to Yale to do special workshops (not that I’d want to! Scary!). I’m not even related to Beverly Cleary (someone on TikTok asked if I was and was disappointed when I said no! Sheesh.).
I use the military brat, latchkey kid, mixed-race complexity, and single-parent parts of myself in my writing without even realizing it. Those experiences shaped me deeply, but none of them fully explain me either.
I’ll be 48 this year, and I can’t believe things like this still baffle me. It’s made me realize that I’ve never felt a true sense of belonging in any group, culture, or identity, and it took marketing myself as an author to fully notice how much that bothered me.
So, who am I? I’m Linda Patricia Cleary. A mixed-race, mixed-up author of whatever I feel like writing in the moment. I love space, other worlds, parallel worlds, micro-worlds, secret worlds within our own. Monsters, aliens, robots, floating balls of energy, and beings we can’t even imagine.
I grew up in a constant hyper-vigilant state and am still learning how to calm down and decompress. Being busy and productive is my way of feeling useful and important. I was left alone a lot as a child, and now wish I were left more alone as an adult 🤪😂
I’m a mish-mash of all the things I love, real and fictional. I am a huge fan of my family and friends. They are all a part of me. I’ve taken a little from everywhere I’ve lived, Seoul, Tokyo, San Francisco, Seattle, and now El Cerrito, and blended it into who I am. I’m a huge nerd and become obsessed with the things I love. I’m a true Trekkie, but I love so much sci-fi in general. I’ll give it all a chance! I love puppets, books, binging comfort shows, laughing so hard you almost pee your pants, and that feeling of discovering a new passion. I love writing, inventing, and just creating in general.
Maybe being a third-culture writer means accepting that home was never going to be a single place, language, culture, or identity for me. Maybe it was always going to be something I created.
🖤📚🚀👽✨, LPC
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